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星期二, 四月 24, 2007

Feeling really down these days. Have been having lots of restless moments by myself. Suddenly i felt an urge to totally space out, and evacuate to somewhere where no one knows me...I suspect it's because i haven't really got my usual private life for tooo long, and my patience to keep everything under control is running low.

I really tried, I did. To keep cool, to be compromising, not to insisting my own way. In fact i thought my temper these few months has been the best regulated ever. But somehow it's still not enough. These few days when Cindy was sick I got worse, and a few times i almost flared up. I don't know why i'm such a difficult person to get along with. I really get mad easily. And this feeling of supppressing the anger inside makes me just makes me want to cry, but i can't. And i have no one to talk to, i can't talk to anyone.

I often thought of myself as a hypocrite...thinking how bad something is, yet only to realise that i precisely fit into that catogary of things. I'm such a fool. Really egoistic inside, yet unable to project the amount of confidence required to carry the ego. Really hate to do something, yet still keep doing it... My thoughts and my actions conflict each other. I'm so bad to myself, just keep lying, keep compromising inside. But is it really a good thing? No one would ever appreciate it, cox they never will know what i'm going through.

I know why my dad became a man of few words...because he was concerned that whatever he says is not exactly what he thinks...yet he can't control his delivery and he was irritated. He was worried of being misunderstood. Just a sensitive freak, all towards the wrong areas. At least he knows if he keeps his silence, people would not realise how surprisingly sensitive he is. I just know.

nothing else matters on4/24/2007 04:57:00 上午

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