星期五, 十二月 08, 2006
I thought I can accept him as he is, to love unconditionally. I thought I have got over this, but why are thoughts of doubt coming back to me? I can feel myself closing up to him. It seems like there's no point in explaining anything anymore, nothing to confide in. What's the point of telling him how i feel when it doesn't make a difference in the end? I can't find my place in there. I hoped for a moment I could dig a hole in his heart make it my own and bury my thoughts in. But there isn't a chance to do that. I must be tired.
Suddenly the thought of being lovey-dovey irritates me. The thought of whether i would receive a hug and n whether i can be accompanied home makes me want to evade the whole issue altogether. Part of me want to run away and be alone. I guess thinking such thoughts make me sad...and i refused.
Sometimes I feel he's becoming more like a friend than a boyfriend to me. Maybe that's good in a sense, treating him as a friend instead of a boyfriend, I don't expect much anymore, no more angers. Just that I cannot imagine making out with him, it's getting increasingly awkward. Can I marry a friend too as long he can keep me company?
Have been asking myself what exactly do i wan from a relationship? A good companion whom i can spend the rest of my life with? I want someone who can take care of me, someone i can entrust my matters with n he would be able to handle them well. But somehow i can't see that in him. Lately kept feeling that he's too childish for me. That cant be helped too since he's younger.
Staying with someone younger makes one feel old, no matter what age the latter is. I know I can't blame him. That's one reason why I'm hesitant to do anything, or let him know how I feel. Because it's so unfair to him. To me i kept seeing faults in him, but to many others he is a piece of gem. Yet I can't do anything to stop myself from feeling this way. I just keep trying to hide it all, to some point it seems like mere pretension.
In the end it's still about me.
nothing else matters on12/08/2006 12:44:00 上午
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