星期五, 十二月 08, 2006
I thought I can accept him as he is, to love unconditionally. I thought I have got over this, but why are thoughts of doubt coming back to me? I can feel myself closing up to him. It seems like there's no point in explaining anything anymore, nothing to confide in. What's the point of telling him how i feel when it doesn't make a difference in the end? I can't find my place in there. I hoped for a moment I could dig a hole in his heart make it my own and bury my thoughts in. But there isn't a chance to do that. I must be tired.
Suddenly the thought of being lovey-dovey irritates me. The thought of whether i would receive a hug and n whether i can be accompanied home makes me want to evade the whole issue altogether. Part of me want to run away and be alone. I guess thinking such thoughts make me sad...and i refused.
Sometimes I feel he's becoming more like a friend than a boyfriend to me. Maybe that's good in a sense, treating him as a friend instead of a boyfriend, I don't expect much anymore, no more angers. Just that I cannot imagine making out with him, it's getting increasingly awkward. Can I marry a friend too as long he can keep me company?
Have been asking myself what exactly do i wan from a relationship? A good companion whom i can spend the rest of my life with? I want someone who can take care of me, someone i can entrust my matters with n he would be able to handle them well. But somehow i can't see that in him. Lately kept feeling that he's too childish for me. That cant be helped too since he's younger.
Staying with someone younger makes one feel old, no matter what age the latter is. I know I can't blame him. That's one reason why I'm hesitant to do anything, or let him know how I feel. Because it's so unfair to him. To me i kept seeing faults in him, but to many others he is a piece of gem. Yet I can't do anything to stop myself from feeling this way. I just keep trying to hide it all, to some point it seems like mere pretension.
In the end it's still about me.
nothing else matters on12/08/2006 12:44:00 上午
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星期四, 十二月 07, 2006
我一直认为，在情感方面我比别人迟钝。也许，不是我感受不到，而是我拒绝被感动吧。。。总觉得为情所感很麻烦，觉得很累，有时也觉得肉麻，甚至恶心。我说的不只是爱情。
凡是别想太多，以简单的方面去想，事情就自然而然事半功倍。
但这只是一种捷径。选择走捷径的人，表面上仿佛很有（工作）效力，实际上却错过了人生一部份的经验。人与人之间的感情，无论显得多琐碎都是值得珍惜和被动的。我这样压硬着属于自己和别人的情感，终究会和世隔绝吧。因为连简单的感情都掌握不住，何况是更复杂的感觉。。。就是那种一瞬间四五种感觉同时进脑袋的滋味，让人不知该如何处理，该感哪先？最后因为烦，所以把所有的感触都抛掉，自己陷入属于我自己一个人的感情世界。
最终，我还是自私的。
nothing else matters on12/07/2006 02:09:00 上午
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