星期六, 十月 23, 2004
Lately i have been confused about my own identity. I kinda lost myself - i dunno what kinda person i am. I think i often speak/response without giving much thought to what i truly feel. Many times i feel i'm just eager to please and appeal to popularity -- to a point where people get turn off and subsequently myself too cox that's just not me that's speaking. It's just an image i'm trying to portray. There's a part of me that doesn't like to talk, or comment...maybe i'm just a loner - i don't like to talk because i'm not sure what i should say, I can't think of things to say that pple like to hear, or phrases that have entertainment value. I don't have the gift of speech -nor language. I feel that i'm misunderstood at times. It's disheartening.
nothing else matters on10/23/2004 01:20:00 上午
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星期一, 十月 18, 2004
Don't like the night cause it makes me feel sad. Sitting at this position facing total darkness outside my window at night listening to 933 with an accompanyment from the kli klic klic klic sound of the insects kind of set the dull scary sad lonely depressed mood. Everyone's asleep except me - as usual. Perhaps i should go sleep and not let the creeps get into me. Dun wan to wake up tml morn from a scary dream and find myself alone in the house - though that's always the case. Thinking of the freaky dream tt woke me up this morn still makes me uneasy.
Suddenly i miss him - ALOT. Maybe cox of this situation i'm in - this feeling of being alone - makes me not wanna do anything cox i'm scared. My house's not the cosy type - it looks kinda creapy at night, esp when it faces the jungle. COmpletely BLACK. I guess i should go slp.....
nothing else matters on10/18/2004 11:41:00 下午
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星期四, 十月 14, 2004
You're my happily ever after.
nothing else matters on10/14/2004 11:28:00 下午
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星期二, 十月 12, 2004
Today's a happy day in a puzzling way. I got alot of compliments for tying my hair up. HA i know i sounded so stupid it's such a trivial thing to do! But the thing is i thought i look kinda horrible with my uneven hair tied up like a chicken tail. Guess what I got approached by a guy when i was walking back to my house just now - he asked if i'm interested to bcum a model and gave me his namecard. He sounded quite genuine I thought i may just check out the company website on his namecard. It's catworks...appears to b quite a decent company. Perhaps i've thought of modeling - but i feel like i'm just wishful thinking. Cox i thought i just got an above average face and figure but definitely cannot pass for my posture nor walks nor my fingernails. Secretly I'm scared that in the middle of the interview or something they'll ask me to show them my nails and i think i'll just run away in embarrassment. Guess i'm just not meant to be one - even though the idea of able to retain my youth in photos sounded extremely attractive to me. I was thinking i should do something - perhaps a photo shoot or something before i turn 20. Not much time left.... *siGh*
I told my mum what happened between me and siwei. She actually sided with him saying that it's my fault for being so wildful and acting like a spolit girl who kept wanting her bf to spend time with her when he got so many other commitments to make. Come to think of it....my mum has a point too. Yup siwei's mum must have cooked stuff for him and wanted him to accompany her before she goes to work. Afterall, siwei woke up so early to take a cab to my house just to see me. I guess if i were in his shoes i could understand his dilemma. I'm starting to regret letting him leave without a proper closure to our problem. Now i can't even let him know that i'm sorry. I worry everyday about him in Brunei. Heard from my classmate that Brunei training is hellish. And he's down with fever when he left. And his gf shunned him off w/o even giving him a chance to explain. His gf only needed him when she's stressed up with work and when she's feeling angry with her own attitude when doing self reflections. She just wanted a person to lean on mentally and physically. She does not want a weak figure because it would make her helpless and irritated. She is rash and does things in a careless reckless manner to a point where she appears as though she does not have a heart.
I told my mum that many times i wished i could do something for him like cook him a meal or make something for him - to be a good gf to him. I told her I feel bad inside that i didn't know how to cook nor brew herbal tea nor sew....... She suddenly said something that striked me as true and i've never thought of. She said that I dun have to feel bad at all for not being able to do all these for him bcox siwei's not those picky types to judge his gf by what she has cooked for him eg. I should instead act from my heart and not lament on these little things i could not do but felt like doing. I guess my mum's right. Suddenly, I feel i've not understood the foundation blocks of our relationship. I've not.
nothing else matters on10/12/2004 11:00:00 下午
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星期六, 十月 09, 2004
nothing else matters on10/09/2004 11:09:00 下午
Siwei went brunei early this morning at 2am. He wouldn't be back til 3 weeks later. We didn't even say goodbye to each other properly. We were supposed to spend yesterday together - he promised that he'll spend time with me the whole of tomorrow til my lesson at 6. He did came knocking on my door at 8am. We cuddled up in bed. Then we ate breakfast i prepared. I gave him a haircut. Then he told me he gotta leave. That was 11.30am. He said he gotta go home and say goodbye to his mum cox he just found out on the same morning that his mum is working in the day shift today. I started to get angry. Because he has been out of camp since wednesday night. And we agreed not to meet til friday because 1. I was extremely busy with my schoolwork - I stayed over in the studio on wednesday night. 2. I wanted him to spend sometime with his family and himself. I couldn't understand why the 2 days was not enough for him. True enough he has to report back to camp on thursday afternoon for a bag check, true enough he has to go to the army market to settle some stuff. But i still couldn't understand why he has to ruin this precious few hours of time together with me.
I got over it. He left. (OF course he gotta leave)
He then went to see the doctor. Apparently he was sick all along - doc says he got fever and sore throat. So what am i supposed to do now?
He promised he'll come and keep me company in the afternoon ( to make up for the disappearance in the morning) But I got lessons in the evening til like 8.30PM!?! I asked him how long he would be able to meet me since he gotta return to his camp to get some stuff and report to changi airport at 11.30pm. He said we can meet up for 30min. (*............*) I told him what's the point of rushing just to meet for 30min???!!!! WHAT'S THE POINT? I told him i'll skip lessons so we can meet for a longer time. He says I must not skip lesson and be guai (*...............................................*)
I got extremely fed up. We have been debating about meeting up and skipping lessons from the time he left my house til my lecture starts at 6pm.
In the mist of our debating, he suddenly mis-send me a sms intended for QIU JUAN to ME. It says "Qiu juan...i wanted to do it before i go airport.......thanks alot and i'll give you a treat when i return..." That was all i remembered about the sms. It was shocking. Just imagine how pissed I already am from ALL the events that had happened throughout the day and now suddenly out of the blue i receive this warm and enthusiastic sms from him to her. It was disgusting. I kinda stared at my phone screen for dunno how long and the next thing i did was to off my phone. I wanted to believe that it was a misunderstanding but it couldn't be because it came from his hp. And his tone was so --different. He actually sounded happy in that sms - When we were debating at the same time.
I went Tangos at holland v with a few of my classmates after lessons. Went for a chill out and drink session. The cocktails there were great. We ate and talked - til 12am. And i decided to on my phone. His smses after i off my phone seemed to be out of the point. He don't seem to get the fact that I'm extremely angry over that sms to Qiu juan. He thought that i'm still angry with him for not spending time with me in the morning. He mentioned something about no more surprise. He ended off saying i truly love u. He called later when i was on the cab home. He sounded v poor thing - kept apologizing to me and saying that i would know what he meant next week. I don't want to knoe and I sounded extremely cold and uninterested. I just said bye and tell him to take care. Partially i was just so tired from Tangos and i guess the martini i had made me feel like sleeping. Part of me feels bad - he was sick and leaving to Brunei for some tough training. I totally deserted him, didn't play my part as a gf at all - i just chose to off my phone and disappeared until the last minute when he gotta leave. I recalled the sad and teary face earlier in the morn when he was snuggling me so tightly. But i'm just so tired and sleepy that all i want to do was to hit the bed.
Perhaps this is a break for us to cool down.
nothing else matters on10/09/2004 10:28:00 下午
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