星期六, 八月 07, 2004
So confused...Dunno if he's the one for me. I knoe it sounds shocking that i'm sayin this bcox juz yest i was still so deeply in love. But quite alot of things happened today....through pple's conversations, through watever i saw today at nus rag day, made me rethink abt us.
For abt a month now i have been taking things in a v light hearted manner ever since a big quarrel we had. Whatever things he said, he did, i laugh and forget abt it-whether it's something good or bad. It may be a good thing, cox i dun get too emotional or affected whenever he made me disappointed. I saw this kinda "easy, laid back" attitude towards us gave both of us more breathin spaces.
But today, I saw pple taking part in rag...the whole event was so --happening- everyone was like so involved, so enthusiastic...the way they cheered and socialised--unisex.......
I felt so alone.
If only he was with me....if only....he was at home. I sms him i was bored, y he didn't wanna cum, can he cum out later to meet me (i got the urge to see him)...i felt so alone, suddenly felt like crying. He says he gotta stay at home...he can't cum out cox his mum coming back home from work later. He started telling me how hard he tried to make time for me but it doesn't seem to be enuff...told me he didn't see his mum at all last wk, told me he sacrificed his time wif his frens for me....makes me feel BAD, makes me feel MISERABLE, makes me GUILTY. But why does he haf to say these kinda stuff AGAIN???? It juz makes me feel WORSE! Y can't he juz comfort me? Y muz he continue to defend himself like he's the one who's making all the sacrifices?? I felt really hurt by him...I already felt so alone and lost, telling him how i felt just makes myself feel even worse cox all i received were smses of his defences. HE didn't knoe wat i want to hear from him. He had NO CLUE.
How to tell him this?
His sms were slow, and of no comfort words except "sorrie dearie (i'm the lousy one)"....after the whole incident i said bye bye....he didn't seem to care much either. In fact he juz drop the subject and told me he went for a haircut!?!
It is not worth sheding a tear or feeling down for this kinda person. Not even a single tear. I wanna question myself if he really cares and understands me. From his responses today, i gather that he mabbe juz another person who needs me only when he needs me.
My parents were talking abt my cousin who juz gave birth had a really miser husband who refuses to spend money on her. Their complaints made me think abt wat kinda person siwei is and wat holds ahead for us. Disappointedly, i cannot deduce if he is a generous or a v selfish person when it cums to money issues. The more i try to remember things....the angrier i got. Our future seems dim....i won't wanna work all my life supporting myself and my family. He seems like of not much use...literally...in terms of making decisions, not v street smart....he doesn't give me sense of security. I got a feeling that i gotta look after him instead of the other way round in the future. And i dun wan that. It is a very stupid to do...The guy should look after the girl.
nothing else matters on8/07/2004 08:10:00 下午
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