星期一, 八月 30, 2004
my client is an A**HOLE
nothing else matters on8/30/2004 11:31:00 下午
-•-
星期日, 八月 29, 2004
Today is a bad day......i had a severe pain in the abdominal area...nearly died! Turned out to be caused by constipation...doctor says i got irritable bowel sympdrome..... :(
It happened when i was with siwei at home...den it was so bad i feel a sharp pain when i move, breathe or cough. Siwei called the ambulance.....and they came but they said mine wasn't emergency case cox my blood pressure was ok!?! THey said if i take the ambulance den gotta pay....so in the end the ambulance pple put me into a stretcher and siwei called a cab instead for us to go nuh. One ambulance ride is like $160 lahz!!!!! (took it last time......) So stupid cox when i finally reached nuh my parents suggested goin back to cck clinic cox nuh emergency too many pple!!!! Gotta wait damn long......so in the end we took my dad's car and we went back cck......0 displacement.....and luckily my pain has subsided so it wasn't tt bad anymore.
Now my stomach still v bloated and painful if i move....sigh...the doc gave me some med for constipation and painkillers....he says it is caused largely due to emotional stress (???!!!??!).........anyway gotta drink more water and eat more fiber....so suey.....:(
nothing else matters on8/29/2004 02:03:00 上午
-•-
星期三, 八月 25, 2004
I'm dying...............so much work to do! Well not exactly alot of assignments....but all of them are so time consuming! I'm cracking my head to come up wif good designs...... :( and after 3 hours i dun tink i managed to cum up with any....and time is running out! Supposed to hand in on thurs!!! :( And i haben even finalised, let alone execute! :(
*sigh* i dunno how long can i last.......it's merely the 3rd wk.
nothing else matters on8/25/2004 01:39:00 上午
-•-
星期五, 八月 20, 2004
Realised i juz posted something reckless last nite...dunno wat got into me. Today siwei came to fetch me after my lecture at 8....i was so happy the whole day, looking forward and excited abt seeing him. I thought of letting my classmates see him by chance.
Things didn't turn out v well. We went ginza and i ate dinner. He was behaving quite strangely suddenly- didn't say much, didn't joke around, didn't tease me, took my harmless suggestions readily and instantly. I felt that there was something-like an invisible wall between us. I asked him wat was wrong but he juz kept assuring me that there was nothin wrong. It turned out tt he was unhappy with me goin out with vincent and other guys one on one.
He made me feel guilty and bad inside. I didn't know wat to say after that. I knew i couldn't make any promises cox he won't believe me. I can only say sorry. (which is a severely overused word in our conversations) I didn't expect one meeting last nite with vincent will make him and subsequently, me, so unhappy. Perhaps i shouldn't have gone out with him. This is so fustrating. I'd rather siwei vents his anger on me, then i won't feel so miserable. Then he told me that he shouldn't feel unhappy cox it's normal for a ger to go out with a guy. He said that he was being inmature by feeling that way. *sigh* I feel so confused. Got an urge to retreat and hide somewhere.
nothing else matters on8/20/2004 11:53:00 下午
i'm beginnin to love my classmates...beginnin to like my lessons except my gem (which sux)...beginnin to like the tutor...beginnin to notice the different guys in my class...but i shldn't tink abt them, shldn't get too many one on one conversations with them cox i realise that some are really sweet, mature and attractive character wise. Shldn't be sayin all these cox i'm attached. But mabbe i shldn't care....juz a harmless entry. Adds excitement to life.
Went out with vincent today....cox he's leavin for usa next wk and he wanna c me b4 he leaves. Told siwei i'll b meetin him....he was quite sad abt it i could feel it when i heard his response. Sometimes when i go out one on one with my guy frens, got a part of me feels like i'm shldn't be doin this...but another part of me feels tt it's completely fine. I feel extremely guilty when siwei sms me when i was out with another guy, and cox i didn't check my phone- i didn't reply him...and he waited for me til he fell aslp...sometimes i can imagine him doin the same thing to me....guess i'll feel terrible. But he never did this to me b4....and i haf always been doin this to him. Part of me feels helpless abt this...if he don't allow me to go out one on one with my guy frens i'll definitely be pissed- esp if it's my kor....am i a bad gf? Sheez sometimes i really hate myself as a gf....
nothing else matters on8/20/2004 12:43:00 上午
-•-
星期日, 八月 15, 2004
hi...feelin so down...realise that once the word break up cums into mind, it stays in my mind....at the back of my mind...everytime i felt disappointed or unhappy, the "break up" thought will corrupt my whole mind, and i got the urge to tell him that potent noun immediately. Dunno how to handle this kinda problem...guess i never will in my whole life? Think the "break up" word will not cast any effect on him after sayin it once too often? Perhaps den i shldn't say this word all the time? Last wk already mention it once....mabbe sayin it this time it will really serve its function.
I got a selfish thought--not exactly, it's a self-protective thought positively speaking. Breakin up suddenly is v hurtful to the heart cox it'll experience the full contentrated impact all at one time. But if i slowly stray away from this relationship, i'd not feel the hurt all at once. Instead i'll feel part of the pain bit by bit over time... and Until when most of the sad longing feeling has wither away, i'll initiate the break up. I can imagine how sad it is to come to this decision....if i decide to break up this way, i'll haf to b determined and not let myself be lost in him during the "strayin period". I'm not sure if i really wan this...part of me tells me to hang on...and believes that we are meant to be. Another part of me wans to be selfish...I really hate this mental torture...I understand wat it means when pple comes up with phrases like (something/someone) breaks their heart, or that they can't breathe, or when they say heartache...stab in the heart..something like that. I can feel so much of all that...it's not something one can experience juz by secretly liking someone--even if you haf being likin her/him for as long as 2 years. It takes a serious amount of "togetherness" and "feelings" to be able to experience that kinda "pain".
nothing else matters on8/15/2004 10:54:00 下午
-•-
星期五, 八月 13, 2004
Sch starts!
my timetable is really shitty.....starts late, ends late. Got to know my tutors--this french guy and his assistant...both called christian but pronounced diff....one's called chris-tiaaan and another's pronounced as chris-tia-un...forgot which name belongs to who....anyway they both seem really nice and freindly....he kinda reminded me of mr ellis...hahahaha...i hope tt we can get along well. My classmates are quite friendly too! Can see the guys are the louder ones...though there are only 8 of them out of 37. Excited abt sch...abt studyin....went for lecture today....quite hard! Dun understand...gotta do some readins i guess....*sigh* Got our seatin and tables already.....like my seat cox it's like a concentrated chatting area....haha.....hope we can all get along well with one another
Tml goin boat quay to eat with siwei and his good fren and his gd fren's gf....so it's like a double date. Haben got any thing for him! Tml gotta go ikea see got any stuff :)
nothing else matters on8/13/2004 10:22:00 下午
-•-
星期六, 八月 07, 2004
So confused...Dunno if he's the one for me. I knoe it sounds shocking that i'm sayin this bcox juz yest i was still so deeply in love. But quite alot of things happened today....through pple's conversations, through watever i saw today at nus rag day, made me rethink abt us.
For abt a month now i have been taking things in a v light hearted manner ever since a big quarrel we had. Whatever things he said, he did, i laugh and forget abt it-whether it's something good or bad. It may be a good thing, cox i dun get too emotional or affected whenever he made me disappointed. I saw this kinda "easy, laid back" attitude towards us gave both of us more breathin spaces.
But today, I saw pple taking part in rag...the whole event was so --happening- everyone was like so involved, so enthusiastic...the way they cheered and socialised--unisex.......
I felt so alone.
If only he was with me....if only....he was at home. I sms him i was bored, y he didn't wanna cum, can he cum out later to meet me (i got the urge to see him)...i felt so alone, suddenly felt like crying. He says he gotta stay at home...he can't cum out cox his mum coming back home from work later. He started telling me how hard he tried to make time for me but it doesn't seem to be enuff...told me he didn't see his mum at all last wk, told me he sacrificed his time wif his frens for me....makes me feel BAD, makes me feel MISERABLE, makes me GUILTY. But why does he haf to say these kinda stuff AGAIN???? It juz makes me feel WORSE! Y can't he juz comfort me? Y muz he continue to defend himself like he's the one who's making all the sacrifices?? I felt really hurt by him...I already felt so alone and lost, telling him how i felt just makes myself feel even worse cox all i received were smses of his defences. HE didn't knoe wat i want to hear from him. He had NO CLUE.
How to tell him this?
His sms were slow, and of no comfort words except "sorrie dearie (i'm the lousy one)"....after the whole incident i said bye bye....he didn't seem to care much either. In fact he juz drop the subject and told me he went for a haircut!?!
It is not worth sheding a tear or feeling down for this kinda person. Not even a single tear. I wanna question myself if he really cares and understands me. From his responses today, i gather that he mabbe juz another person who needs me only when he needs me.
My parents were talking abt my cousin who juz gave birth had a really miser husband who refuses to spend money on her. Their complaints made me think abt wat kinda person siwei is and wat holds ahead for us. Disappointedly, i cannot deduce if he is a generous or a v selfish person when it cums to money issues. The more i try to remember things....the angrier i got. Our future seems dim....i won't wanna work all my life supporting myself and my family. He seems like of not much use...literally...in terms of making decisions, not v street smart....he doesn't give me sense of security. I got a feeling that i gotta look after him instead of the other way round in the future. And i dun wan that. It is a very stupid to do...The guy should look after the girl.
nothing else matters on8/07/2004 08:10:00 下午
-•-
星期一, 八月 02, 2004
sch's startin next wk....today went out wif my og for dinner at cafe cartel :) Quite a short but happy farnie dinner. :) Tink they're all friendly and farnie and helpful pple. I tink i decided to take up this general module called places, environment and pple....(something lidat....) It's a geog module. Hope it''ll b interestin. Meiqing like goin to take this one too! Mabbe we can be classmates. Went for theory practice juz now...tml takin an evaluation test, hope can pass so can take the basic theory test next wk.
Kinda lookin forward to sch suddenly...i guess alot gotta do wif the pple around me. I've been reading the "effective student guidebook" given to us on matriculation day. Felt quite motivated after reading abit...that is a really gd book to get started. Hope i can do well in uni...quite unsure though. But i seriously hope that i can concentrate and sustain my concentration and perserverance to do well. Kinda excited abt the modules i'm goin to take, esp the studio sessions...e last thing i wanna be is to be blur on my first day of sch. Hopefully i'll enjoy myself all the same but not get too carried away. :)
nothing else matters on8/02/2004 11:20:00 下午
-•-
