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星期五, 六月 25, 2004

I used to think that being in love is everything. I read in 1 book that when girls fall in love, everything they do revolves around the guy, whatever things they do or think--it's all inter-related. But when guys fall in love, it's just one of the many things happening in their life. I tink i kinda agree with the book.
Lately have been doin some soul-searching (couldn't find "myself" amist the complications that i'm experiencing right now.) I cannot tolerate "myself" for being so affected by him--his words, his sms, his initiative, his little gestures, his ignorance (whether it's feigned or genuine)...I don't see "myself" being a whole self-sufficient being. Instead, i'm highly volatile and vulnerable subjected to his lotsa whatever.
I always wanted a perfect relationship, or lead myself to believe that i'm in one. I didn't realised that by having these stupid thoughts, i have already, --literally, lost "myself" in this endless pit or so-called "love".
I'm tired now. So i can't be bothered to think who's right who's wrong and what shld i do blah blah...I hope i can stay this tired forever, so i can have a relationship that is not sweet, not bitter, not anticipative, and requires no commitment. I'm not sure what i'm sayin now makes sense. But commitment comes with sweetness and hope and bitterness...i don't want the bad stuff (so i tink i can gladly forgo the good stuff) {hey den why do i want this relationship for?????} I'm not sure...But really, right now, i'm really NOT feeling any urge to be angry with him or disappointed....(actually i DO feel abit --still feel abit. But i believe i'm getting more and more tired to feel all these negative emotions.) Until one day i'll b totally calm and unaffected. Mabbe den i will be a "whole" being...and mabbe den i'll just leave him.

nothing else matters on6/25/2004 09:33:00 下午

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