星期一, 六月 28, 2004
Being helping out at my cousin's push-cart at great world city these few days... Quite fun but sometimes abit boring when there're no customers...HmmMm, me getting in control of myself now. So quite happy. Like i kinda "open" up...xing3 wu4 le4...can fall in love, but still muz take control and don't lose yrself. I like me now. :)
nothing else matters on6/28/2004 11:38:00 下午
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星期六, 六月 26, 2004
Went Shopping wif my mum today!!!! Surprisingly, I didn't argue a single bit with her. ABSOLUTELY NO CONFLICTS! I guess the emotionally tired part of me with siwei kinda clings on with me and had a positive effect on my relationship with my mum. I kinda learnt to give in and not argue with my mum. Me juz thought - just let it be her way den...And i'm not angry when i'm giving in to her bad comments blah blah! And i bought quite a no. of good stuff cox it's ALL ON SALE!!! Bought 1mangoskirt, 1topshopskirt, 1blusher from ysl, 1perllinihandbag today...adds on to my 1benettonblouse, 1bodynit3-quarts, 1ebase3-quarts, 1esprit3-quarts, 1esprittop, 1pair of billabongcoupletee, 1ikeaclock and other mecellanous stuff....
I loVE shoPPing (esp with my mum) but Me still QUITE bRoKe.... Hehehehe
nothing else matters on6/26/2004 11:56:00 下午
LOVE IS MADNESS -william shakespeare.
I'm still sane.
nothing else matters on6/26/2004 11:54:00 下午
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星期五, 六月 25, 2004
I used to think that being in love is everything. I read in 1 book that when girls fall in love, everything they do revolves around the guy, whatever things they do or think--it's all inter-related. But when guys fall in love, it's just one of the many things happening in their life. I tink i kinda agree with the book.
Lately have been doin some soul-searching (couldn't find "myself" amist the complications that i'm experiencing right now.) I cannot tolerate "myself" for being so affected by him--his words, his sms, his initiative, his little gestures, his ignorance (whether it's feigned or genuine)...I don't see "myself" being a whole self-sufficient being. Instead, i'm highly volatile and vulnerable subjected to his lotsa whatever.
I always wanted a perfect relationship, or lead myself to believe that i'm in one. I didn't realised that by having these stupid thoughts, i have already, --literally, lost "myself" in this endless pit or so-called "love".
I'm tired now. So i can't be bothered to think who's right who's wrong and what shld i do blah blah...I hope i can stay this tired forever, so i can have a relationship that is not sweet, not bitter, not anticipative, and requires no commitment. I'm not sure what i'm sayin now makes sense. But commitment comes with sweetness and hope and bitterness...i don't want the bad stuff (so i tink i can gladly forgo the good stuff) {
hey den why do i want this relationship for?????}
I'm not sure...But really, right now, i'm really NOT feeling any urge to be angry with him or disappointed....(actually i DO feel abit --still feel abit. But i believe i'm getting more and more tired to feel all these negative emotions.) Until one day i'll b totally calm and unaffected. Mabbe den i will be a "whole" being...and mabbe den i'll just leave him.
nothing else matters on6/25/2004 09:33:00 下午
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星期一, 六月 21, 2004
He was right. --- We often have problems...After reading my blog, realise we're unhappy at least once every month. I didn't change at all, i didn't grow up at all...from the start, i'm the lousy one who's in the wrong. He told me he was tired- that scared me. Our feelings are so weak... i thought i know him with all my heart. I was wrong. I was always wrong..i thought i changed, actually i never ever changed. I never grow. Did i try?
I forgot.
nothing else matters on6/21/2004 09:42:00 下午
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星期三, 六月 16, 2004
Lizhen is goin uk soon! HmMmm got mixed feelings felt happy for her but feel sad too! Me can't bear for her to leave!!! *sheezz* I kinda wondered how her relationship wif her bf is goin to be....kinda worried for her...I tink i can understand bcox i used to believe that i'm goin overseas to study too....and i can express the feelin by cryin and cryin real hard and non-stop in his arms...HmMmm but goin overseas is a good thing esp if you're goin on scholarship... Perhaps i'm juz feelin not too good abt myself cox i didn't have the courage to leave spore and go away to pursue a "dream" while my good fren juz bravely chose the opposite. Hmmm i guess time will tell if i had made the wrong decision... One thing i didn't regret abt makin my decision is that i chose wat my heart feels like doing right now...I guess i'm only living for today, while lz is living for her future...wat abt my future?? My future has yet to be created...
nothing else matters on6/16/2004 11:27:00 下午
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星期日, 六月 13, 2004
Celebrated our 1.5 yrs yesterday...the actual date is tml. He bought me a bouquet of blue roses! :) Mi heart juz melted when i saw them! (Act i already knew he was gettin me flowers cox i guessed it, but i didn't expect him to order them in advance and came to my house juz to give me the roses! ) He booked a table at a v nice and cool restaurant at clark quay too... :))) Tink the name is Brewerick....cool place v dark, got huge flat screen tv featurin soccer...(he swear he didn't know tt cox his fren reccomended the place) But the food was great and ex so i really didn't mind. ;) Act the best moment was when we sat opp the noisy cafes along the spore river. Dunno why he suddenly broke into a song with impromptu lyrics and tune sayin how much he loves me despite the fact tt i 'like to throw my temper" and how i "have so many body imperfections" etc etc...the place was quite dark and windy accompanied by the sound of the riverboats passing by and pple passin by occasionally. Suddenly memories of us in good and bad times came in my mind...i was so overwhelmed by emotions tt tears trickled down my cheeks as i listened to him sing (the awful tune....)
nothing else matters on6/13/2004 10:34:00 下午
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星期三, 六月 09, 2004
Do you know how wonderful it feels to look into your loved one's eyes with love and see him looking back at you with the same loving look in his eyes?
I know :)
nothing else matters on6/09/2004 11:01:00 下午
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星期二, 六月 08, 2004
Me so bored! I tink i may nver b able to leave my job!!!!! :((((( Told mi boss i ending wk this weekend cox me goin camp. He asks aftter my camp can i cum back for A FEW days....AGAIN!!!!!! The way he meant was for me to finish the popular work--AND IT"S DEFINITELY NOT goin to take JUST A FEW DAYS!!!! DiE i tink i may not be able to leave!!! I can't say no cox e project is not finished (the proj kept dragginGGGG but I want my hols.......this is getting me VERY irritated.
nothing else matters on6/08/2004 03:33:00 下午
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星期日, 六月 06, 2004
Experiencing a roller-coaster emotional ride.... Today is an unexpectable
HAPPY day! Last nite was a HAPPY day too (except for the death of my hamsters. They died last nite quietly...) Got to meet up with my dear frens unexpectably...you know how hard it is to arrange a day when all 4 of us are free...and it juz so happened so coincidentally last nite. I was only suppose to meet Lz and wingchi and lj juz so happened to be there too! I tink it shld be fate. Rem yest was supposed to be our bbQ? haha...
Me and sw sort things out yest too...i was abit touched when he told me that " we'll pull this thru together" when i suggested to him that he shld leave me alone so i won't cause him further unhappiness. I thought he didn't understand wat i was feeling---the depression and the reasons behind. It turned out that he did quite understood-- after i asked him to explain wat he understood. He says he got suggestions to cheer me up but i muz learn how to stand up myself and be strong. He said we solve one problem at a time and the first thing we shld do is to cheer me up (permenantly). He spent the whole day with me today...we had a great day together shopping. I even forgot the death of my hamsters... i don't feel so sad now! I tink i muz really not let us down and spoil things again. I want us to start anew. I muz remember to control my temper and tink reasonably...
Next weekend we'll gonna celebrate our 1 year 6 months anni. We haf been lookin forward to it since a long long time ago. He said he had planned dinner at a secret place....Hmmm wonder where izzit. It's so unlike him to plan things early esp dates. so i'm quite pleasantly surprised. ( but i tink better not expect too much....) Next week gonna continue search for our couple clothes...Today we're supposed to buy cox his idea to cheer me up..BUT he's SO picky AND indecisive....and so we bought seperate clothes...hope next week can see nice ones and he wont be so indecisive...i tink i decide for him better.
nothing else matters on6/06/2004 11:35:00 下午
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星期六, 六月 05, 2004
i tink we need a break.
I'm too overwhelmed by surges of emotions i can't describe...they're killing me...
you say i didnt give u support.
you say why can't you go back normally
you say why do i keep cryin
i ask you wat shld i do to give u support
you say nothin
i dun wan to be like this...
I dun mean not to give u support.
In fact i am always tryin to make you feel happier when you're goin back.
I try to make cookies for you
I wrote letters for you.
I made cards for you
I helped you do applications, even paid yr phone bill for you.
But i'm juz unhappy...
Why?
Cox i'm lonely
Cox i feel we're always in rush for time when we're together
Cox we haven't been having a real good time together for a long time
I know you need time for yrself and yr family.
I'm sorry to say this but it's making me sad.
I try to act as though i dun mind...
Try to hide my unhappiness
Cox i know i cannot throw tantrums or say hurtful things when you're goin back to camp.
I know if i start sayin those sad hurtful stuff you're goin to have a hard time in camp for the whole week.
But suppressing myself makes me even more hurt, makes me sad.
I cannot contain my unhappiness inside me anymore.
it's leaking out.
You knoe how difficult it is --contemplating if i shld tell you how unhappy i feel, cox i'm scared i'll hurt you even more. Perhaps it's not your fault...cox you didnt make the arrangements. But if i don't, this unhappiness inside me juz keeps building up. Now, it's overhwelming..
I'm dying inside.
Where are you?
I keep wait.
I keep wait.
Then i let go.
nothing else matters on6/05/2004 01:45:00 下午
Banging, where should i begin...
The viscious cycle
Here it cums again
It's staying, whether we like it or not
It's tormenting me, breaking me, killin me...
A leaf deprived of its dew, deeply deprived
It kills my hopes, kills my dreams...
I can't break free...
I hope i can truly, peacefully lose all hope when i mean it
I hope i can empty all the remaining drops of love dried up inside me
Let it be washed away to an unknown place far far away.
I wish the rain can fall on me like it's never gonna stop
Cox only It can drown my sorrows,
And my sorrows seemed endless--only the endless rain deem fit to swallow them.
There will be no rainbow, juz me, myself and the crying rain.
nothing else matters on6/05/2004 12:30:00 上午
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星期四, 六月 03, 2004
Watched Shrek yest nite....damn farnie!!! Abner tagged along....but he sat a different seat cox i say i dun wan him to cum. Haha....tink i v mean (but i dun care)---sw oso not v interested in him coming along. He jokingly mentioned ask wingchi to cum-- i told him she wont cum out to meet him one...Of course lahz....Sheez....anyway Siwei fell aslp!!!!!! V v lousy.... :( he says he's too tired cox whole day alot of activities he v shacked :(
Didnt do much today, didnt go out with sw cox he went over to his fren's hse to watch soccer late last nite so he woke up at abt 1.40pm today....felt abit sad cox thought we're goin out. But yest he already told me he's not goin out today lahz. Hmmm i kinda knoe surprises (like last nite's invitation to watch movie) often means cancellation of planned activities (SUPPOSE to watch troy today....i have given up hope to watch troy)
Wanna buy hamster cage for my hamsters....one super hyper--i bought a hamster ball for them to run inside and one kept running and running all over the house.....stupid hamsters.....
nothing else matters on6/03/2004 12:01:00 上午
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